My dream ring :)

Center stone: Alexandrite...a gem of many colors.
You can see that there are now six white gold prongs that set the stone instead of four. It sticks out about 3/4 of an inch from my skin..I've had some difficulty getting used to the new height. Jonathan is pretty scratched up and our walls seem more enclosing than ever.

Yesterday we went inside the bank to make a deposit and as we were leaving the teller grabbed my hand and said, "Wait just a second! You're not going anywhere until I get a closer look at your ring..."
It has become an customary (and very much predictable) occurence.

I love you Mom!

heartspot

This is old. really old. But I figured I'd put something on here, and I haven't felt poetic enough to write something new.




my heart is not in this room.
the others- their eyes glaze over with some milky film,
their hands speak with curious tongues that I do not hear
and voices spew out like fireworks pricking July…
but my heart is in June.

good man- have you not known all along that
my heart is not in this town?
every corner on Main reeks of hopes long dissolved
and cracked windows reflect stains of spirits there-
lost yet praying for found.

I let myself sink into the hills and softest streaks
of gaping fields folding in the purple mountains’ wake-
they cover me with whipping willow shoots,
lather my skin with sweet, brown dirt-
strip me clean of city steam.

my heart is livid in my lover’s eyes.
those eyes that adored me.
or was that before I cracked over his boyish wit?
was it he that stymied this organ with thickened blood
or…did I crave the taste of metal in the first place?

I sense a beating from the closet.
ba bump, ba bump, ba bump it lies there in the closet
I go towards the doors while the walls close in
and there lies my heart in the closet’s dusty floors
like a child’s lonely toy…

dear fellow in the street,
or preacher or friend-

my heart is not mine to enjoy.

Our Crib :)

I made this!
Here you go, Mom and Dad. This is Jonathan's and my first living quarters :) Some of them are very random, but I wanted you to get the full effect...haha.
The calendar we made of us :)
Bountiful temple picture frame above the table
Dana drew these for us around Christmas time. I think they're fabulous. And above is the misprinted article for Parma, announcing our wedding date.
The table, salt & pepper, and bronze basket with a half-rotten banana :)
Our little shrine...
This is Ramone- our pet alligator. He resides on the couch and occasionally in the windowsill.
Our orchid HenryJolly.
Our biggest wedding picture framed in the apartment.
The blanket Mom made us sitting on the TV (used for movie watching and cuddling time!) and a cute sign I picked up at the bookstore here: "Happily Ever After"
Our vertical hanging frame.
Knife set, piggy cutter, and yummy-smelling Yankee candle.
Our 3 jars of jollyranchers, chocolate, and spiced peaches :)
Spice rack, cooking canisters, and utensil can. (I know! It's so exciting! lol)
The view from our bedroom door.
If you turned around from the last picture, this is what you would see.....ahem...our bedroom :)
The stylish bathroom!






Our troublesome couch, lantern lamp, and fun curtains.
I thought I'd throw this one in, it's me and Ryleigh! She's grown up so much!

light and dark

"beautiful words"
"lovey imagery"
they said.

my audience was deceived, most surely-
where went the darkness i struggled so hard against to paint?
truly they had not stepped into my shadow.

well, i can't blame them. not really.

and now i hesitate my brush's bloodied streak...for light overcomes.
beautiful words, indeed.
lovely words.

he

i sputtered to a stop the day we met.

and my poems were nothing from that day on...there was no grief to record. no laments, no regrets.

it is simply too hard to say how much his soul blends with mine
how lovely his voice sounds in my beating flesh
how perfectly our bodies shape into one another
how much Life has bloomed and burst through those old deaths

he is my own.
to love and to cherish, forever.
and that means FOREVER- no end- through time and time..
i cry and feel so small to think of it without him.

we spend days in bed, touching his hands touching my hair and that makes me
melt like warm snow right onto the sheets
we spend hours talking of our pasts and dreams and bad habits and annoyances and cravings
we spend moments picking out the colors in our two pairs of blue eyes
finding every color of light but blue
and his sweet lips kiss the bones on my neck and i feel like dancing on the surface of the dust that swirls around our window
there is no air left
i cannot let it enter into my throat
the oxygen doesn't get past the door
because he takes it all away just by his silent vision, there asleep on the pillow
head turned towards me, fingers entwined in mine...
3 am and i cannot let myself sleep with this angel next to me

so i dream with eyes wide open.

Heart To Heart

What does it mean to you-
Glimpsing eternity in a day?
Would you turn me over to this boy,
Azure and emerald burning in his eyes?

It is the next week.
He is not here, but you remember every exchange.
I race along to the rythym of his kindness in
Each letter you grasp so tightly.

Those were golden-ish days, when the mail came.
I felt calm then as your mind studied each line.
Yet something began crumbling underneath...
Where went the lovely colors?

What does it do to you-
Sitting in the same room, with heads so close?
Breathing in his silent company
While the clock ticks tirelessly on?

Do his perfect lips just haunt your dreams?
The cavity wherein I sleep pulses heavily
As the ringing by your bedside begins...
His voice awaits your "hello."

Blue and gold hues seep slowly back through
As he tilts his head to your shoulder-
And up towards the sandy midnight air
Where satellites and flying debris grace the sky.

How does it turn you like so-
A small moment shared by your two bodies
Close together on the black grass.
He watches you breathe as your eyes close.

And it is at this point in time
That the heavens send their sign-
Lightning down his throat,
Thunder through my veins.

I feel the way it burns you in and out-
Yellow, purple, and crimson tones...
Hallelujah for damage to the old pride;
It is saving grace that he holds.

Be Happy.

"I imagine you driving
in the rain. now
play some more."

They were just a few simple chords, and I didn't have the words to fill them up. She was trying to help me with my song by creating a 'scenario.' I closed my eyes and tried to see it: overcast sky, yellow fields, eight white knuckles gripping the wheel as I sped on home. What would my thoughts be in that moment?

I couldn't imagine.

Two days later and I found myself in that place: driving the 30 mile stretch past rolling hills and a perfect, clouded sky...it began to pour. I sighed heavily, knowing that in seconds my vision would be shielded almost completely; the windshield wipers needed serious replacing. I let the pull of the road guide my steering and the trills of Bob Marley bring a smile to my lips. I remembered with awe the parallels of my current situation with her words that day...

"What would you sing about if that was you- driving all by yourself?"

I tried to concentrate. Self-analyze. Thoughts, my thoughts. What did I feel? Were there any dominant emotions tearing their way up to the surface? It was silly to have these questions...yet surely driving through a storm with so much to think about, so much to mull over, ought to raise up some kind of feeling...

And then it came. I was feeling, and it was tearing its way out- slowly, so slowly. The road wound around itself in moments, and the earth's tilt seemed to pull me more steadily in one direction. My heart raced. I knew the feeling so well, and the word shot forth like a spark from my trembling lips.
"No!"
No, no, no, not this. Don't be feeling this. Don't let yourself think that way. I had so much still...
People loved me. My friends still knew me. I had love for them, too. Big love. They needed to know that. So I had to be there the next day to call and tell them.

I would be there.

The original lyrics echoed through my ears...they needed to change. And I needed to change my heart. Change. Change. Change it all.

Whips of rain lapped against the sides of my car. I planted my left foot more firmly on the floorboard. Some part of me had to be in control because the dashed, yellow lines stayed in my peripheral. I hugged the subtle turn to the right and closed my eyes for half a second. In that moment a sequence of images flashed through my mind...

*Sitting on the balcony and watching people through their windows. A boy that sat next to me took my hand and said gently, "We need to talk." The anxiety enveloped me, minutes before I found a place by the dark tennis courts to cry.*
*Walking out of the auditorium full of blank faces, all blank except one- whose eyes found mine and returned my gasp with an all too friendly smile. "Hello, pretty girl."*
*Standing in the middle of an ice-covered parking lot, with my arms outstretched in pain. I was begging him to say it again, with different meaning. But he turned and walked away. I counted the steps that furthered the distance between us.*
*A wintry frost that coated the metal stairs up to my apartment. He stood there at the bottom and brushed the snowflakes out of my eyes. In my ear he whispered softly..."I can't. I'm sorry."*


The memories dug deeper and deeper into my past. I went through each detail with painstaking tenderness...all the breaks. All the apologies. All the lasts.
Some may not believe it, but each memory was a different person. I had let myself open up- yes - that many times.
*Another, he stood against the car and watched me walk to my door. I blushed as I noticed his stare, and that smile of his right then stuck with me for too long.*
*And then I was sitting in the pews. Watching my angel shift his weight from side to side. He was too perfect, and I had to take it in one last time. My angel took the train ride home.*
*Pulling away from his kiss, we both waited for the feeling to come. But there was none, so he half-waved goodbye and headed west: the product of two year's anticipation.*
All were different, all were the same.
A stinging and sensational burning crawled up through my veins as I recalled one more...
*It wasn't so long ago, that night I found myself still hurting in his embrace. His lips to my salty skin were repentant and forceful...a innumerable amount of "I love you's" and the one desperate "please stay"...I pushed him away, out of my car, out of my window, out of my life. He sat for a while in his truck, in hopes that I would change my mind. But I drove away from the scene in a frantic calm, away from the only one who never stopped loving me.***

And I wouldn't let myself remember any more.

Not the others hiding within the cracks. Not the first time I felt my heart crumble from within, when I was sixteen. I stopped there, before I could see the reflection of my serious eyes in the rear view mirror. Buckets of rain bore harder onto my soul. This wasn't what I wanted in my song.

Would I be loved the same again? Would I ever be seen as just a girl with her heart wide open, cautious but willing, bruised yet mending, dead still and beating? Would I rid my myself of these ghosts before they ruined yet another beginning?

Here I was, driving in the rain- all alone- just like she imagined. No middle to the music, after the part where I leave off...
"this could be it, this could be it..."
Only an ending
-something much easier to create.


"Don't worry, be happy now."